Should I listen to them?īeing trans isn't new being flagrantly trans, on the other hand, is. I like celebrating myself and my community, but people in my life are saying I need to tone it down. Look for small ways to reaffirm your journey-for transfeminine folks, one classic form of this is painting our toenails (trans pride toes, anyone?), giving us a physical anchor to our truest selves that is almost always invisible to the outside world. But in those phases of our lives, the most important form of visibility is our ability to “see” ourselves. Figuring out how to celebrate yourself through the silencing stigma can feel like a contradiction in terms. Whether we're keeping ourselves a secret due to unsupportive family or passing for cis after transition to avoid retaliation at work, there are all sorts of ways we're discouraged from making our transness visible. How can I claim visibility for myself when I have to stay closeted or in stealth mode? Every situation is different, though, and you'll have to use your own judgment as to how & when you apply this ethos. It's important for the health of our community to know that our trans siblings are also our comrades, that we can and will stand up for one another when we need support. But to be frank, I err on the side of action in cases like these. If you don't know how to safely deescalate a conflict, it's important to keep your own safety in mind - getting yourself hurt doesn't help anyone. (That being said, if there's no way to avoid the authorities getting involved, stay with the person you're trying to help - they'll be needing your backup.) Passing can confer on us the ability to escape danger, but what do we do when someone else doesn't have that option? This can be a difficult quandary to grapple with about the only consistent answer is “don't call the police.” Involving law enforcement can lead to a much different kind of violence, especially when a trans person of color is involved. What should I do if I see another, visibly trans person in danger or distress? Try to resist the urge to escalate, even if someone is being a real piece of shit. This can get hairy if you're in a work environment, but if a customer or client is being combative, end the interaction and get backup from coworkers or a manager if you can. I've carried a canister of self-defense spray since the first time someone followed me, and I recommend something similar that can act as a deterrent. If you feel threatened, remove yourself from the confrontation as quickly as you can, and if possible get to an area where there are witnesses. Try to gauge the level of danger you're in. Unfortunately, existing as trans in the world forces us to prepare for these contingencies both mentally and materially. Often, when a cis person “clocks” us (realizing that we're trans), it's followed with an expression of disgust or a threat. Passing's primary utility is in keeping us safe from various forms of violence, whether physical, economic, or emotional. How do I handle getting aggressively misgendered or clocked as trans in the moment, though? If that leads you away from “passing,” it's nobody's business but your own. Your only responsibility with your gender presentation is to seek beauty and happiness within yourself. “If we eliminate the pressure to pass,” writes Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore in the introduction to her anthology Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender, “what delicious and devastating opportunities for transformation might we create?” To oppose that pressure is to knock another brick out of the gendered walls which close us in. This can be especially poignant if you don't experience certain types of dysphoria, or do so only lightly if you're transfeminine and think your beard shadow is actually kinda cute, why spend time and money on shaving or electrolysis? But you don't have to revel in the blurriness of gender to be simply uninterested in cisnormative standards of presentation. As I'm sure my fellow theater queers will affirm, mixing up a fresh cocktail of gender performance can bring with it some of the most intense euphoria ever observed by science, and “blending in” in contrast can seem like a real drag (honestly, no pun intended). But slotting yourself into all kinds of binary gender norms can also be stifling. “Passing” in the context of being trans is to be read and treated as a cis member of your gender, and it's something that's very important for a lot of people's safety and mental health.
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